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Sarah Wayne Callies: Frying pans and fires


February 15, 2013
By Sarah Wayne Callies
 Sarah Wayne Callies with the IRC visiting a camp for Syrian refugees
 Sarah Wayne Callies at a refugee settlement in Jordan, near the border with Syria

Photo: Ned Colt/IRC
For some strange reason they made me think of the Supreme Court Justices, sitting in a row against the wall wearing their black abaya and grim faces.  We shook hands and I sat beside one of the translators (both of whom — this time — were women). This time I had prepared questions — the same ones I asked at the women’s meeting in Domiz camp where, I think because our translators were male, the conversation had needed frequent prodding.  Not here.  In the company of women I barely got a word in edgewise – and after their stories I could barely speak.  
 
I had come to ask about their situation as urban refugees – thus far I’ve only visited camps, but these women live in Mafraq, a city in northern Jordan about ten miles from the border with Syria.  They are among tens of thousands of Syrian refugees who have foregone camps to fend for themselves in cities in Jordan, Iraq, and Turkey.  An estimated 70 percent of Syrian refugees live outside camps, and these populations face substantially different challenges from those living inside camps.  For starters, it’s hard to find them; they can live in apartments, schools and formerly abandoned buildings.  Because they’re so spread out, spreading the word about services can be tough.  They are more transient as well, making follow up medical help and aid distributions more difficult to provide.  And then there’s the issue of having to pay rent when they have no income. 
 
However, before we got to any of that, the women needed to talk about Syria.  They opened up about why they left their homes. All are desperately hoping to return to Syria as soon as it is safe, even though their homes are little more than rubble now.  They miss it, and their hurt and rage at having to leave was crushing them, so they had to share their stories to get out from under the weight of it.  
 
So I listened.  Flatbed trucks full of children with their throats cut.  Disappeared husbands returning home destroyed by torture.  A mother shaking in fear as a soldier broke his way into her house, stomped on the only food her family had found in a week, and then forced her into a room to rape her.  She cried as she told me she was saved at the last minute by another soldier’s intervention. But then, we were all crying at one point or another.  
 
If we put these women up at the penthouse in the Ritz Carlton for three months they would still have a desperately difficult journey to heal from all of this.  They could expect flashbacks, nightmares, inability to trust, irrational behavior – we’d call it PTSD in soldiers, wouldn’t we?  But they are not in the Ritz.  They are in Mafraq, packed into tiny apartments with their children and no man to head the household.  They have to provide food, health care, and shelter for themselves and their families.  And, as I mentioned earlier, they have to pay rent – housing outside the camps is not free. 
 
A number of women and aid workers told me that some landlords exploit their tenants’ poverty. Without a steady income, families quickly run out of money for rent. Then a young daughter may be coerced into marrying the landlord in exchange for housing.   If there is no young daughter, the euphemism for the mother’s only other option is what’s called survival sex.  
 
Bear in mind that the number one reason these women gave me for fleeing Syria was the threat of rape. They fled their homes to find safe haven and instead some are forced into early marriage and survival sex in order to provide the most basic needs for their families.  This isn’t sleeping your way to a better job or a nice necklace.  This is trying to keep your family from starvation and exposure in a culture that prizes chastity and modesty.  This is violating and humiliating one of the world’s most vulnerable populations.  This is leaping from the frying pan into the fire.  
 
At the end of our visit together, our eyes were all red and we clutched wet tissues in our hands.  I thanked them for their stories, told them I would try and give them a voice, and mentioned that while I cannot know their pain as survivors of war I know what it is to survive sexual violence.  We sat together for a few minutes, nodding at one another in mute assurance of inner strength and waiting for our emotions to subside enough to move on with our day.  Eventually, each woman fixed in place the grim mask of I’m okay that they wore when I came into the room.  I know that face: I put it on myself for a long time, but I was granted the luxury of healing in peace.  I leapt from my frying pan into safety, help, and understanding.
 
These women are on fire.  When we talk about what they need to get through this emergency, the conversation cannot leave out psychosocial health.  Their spirits have been no less demolished than their homes and it would be both naïve and dangerous to think we can help them with tents and food rations alone.  They have children to provide for, new homes to make in a foreign country; they have the strength for it, and they lack no courage, but they need someone to talk to, someone to help them release the surging rapids of emotion that come with the flashbacks, the nightmares, the vestiges of what they have endured.  
 
They need someone to help them put out the fire. 
 

Syria: A Regional Crisis

The International Rescue Committee is calling attention to the plight of those uprooted by turmoil in Syria and doing our part to support thousands of Syrian refugees in Iraq, Jordan and Lebanon. 
 

 

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3 comments

Comments

Thank you for a very well

Submitted by Sherri (not verified) on February 19, 2013 - 6:08pm.

Thank you for a very well written and personal account of your experiences with Syrian refugees. With the physical fighting in Syria constantly under the media's scope, the tremendous struggles of refugees have not been given due attention, especially those related to the specific needs of women. Not only that, but the encompassing question of women's rights in this region of the world demands our attention now more than ever. Despite the string of revolutions (both successful and struggling) across northern Africa and the middle east, one aspect that has yet to 'spring' into positive progress is that of women's rights. We've seen it throughout history and across every continent - what is it about warfare that transforms women's bodies into a proxy battlefield? How can these cultures and nations hope to develop and prosper whilst ignoring, and worse, abusing, half of their populations? And how do we all - those involved directly, and those watching or reading on the other side of the world - find a way to conjure positive change from feelings of hopelessness and helplessness?
Sarah, I hope the rest of your trip allows you both perseverance and peace. Thanks again for writing.

This article was both

Submitted by R.G. (not verified) on February 18, 2013 - 10:10pm.

This article was both beautiful and eye-opening. As a person who lives in a country (Canada) that has offered me many unearned privileges, it is easy to forget that this world does not afford such an easy life to everyone. With my limited resources I am unfortunately not able to initiate the global changes that I would like to see, but I know that I can make an impact locally within my own community.

After visiting this website several months ago, I started a volunteering for a program where I provide free child care to refugee families and single parents. This offers them opportunities to be able to access services and other programs in our community without worrying about where their children will go and who will look after them. It was surprising to me that lack of child-care was a common systemic barrier for many.

One major focus for the time I spend with the children is teaching English to support them as they adapt to their new lives in Canada.

I am aware that it is a small drop of water to a world that is suffering from thirst, but I know that it is one drop that I can contribute.

I was particularly moved by the segment about Survival Sex. It is truly devastating to think that that is a reality that people live with- to think that someone would live in a place filled with that much darkness and so little hope is truly overwhelming.

Thank you for this beautiful piece and for sharing your journey. If we can all educate ourselves to be more aware and mindful of others’ needs, we can contribute to social and political change.

This is a powerful piece. I

Submitted by frances (not verified) on February 15, 2013 - 11:31pm.

This is a powerful piece. I am a woman who knows what it feels like to be helpless when a man takes advantage. These true stories affects me greatly, and it makes me want to help, and give the help right now. And I will, i just partnered with IRC to become a monthly donor. Please do as well if you can.

Sarah, i discovered IRC through you, because i follow your career. Thank you for being an advocate for women's rights and safety. God Bless!

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